


Alright, kids, time to befriend some demons

by ExistentialKnight



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Demonstuck, Drunk Shenanigans, F/F, M/M, basically everyone is gay, im bad at tagging stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-05-07 13:56:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14672493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExistentialKnight/pseuds/ExistentialKnight
Summary: A run of the mill demonstuck au, because why the hell not.





	1. Roxy: figure out what in the goddamn is going on here.

I left it all behind, even Jane, who at least got an internship with some detective agency. I ran away, hid from my past, nothing but a rifle and what I knew, trying to either keep my wits about myself or get the demons away from the people I used to call my friends. 

Tonight was one of those nights, the kind of nights where anyone could pick me out as a hunter if they knew how to tell. My sneakers made dull  _ thump _ noises on the concrete roof of an apartment building, and my ears perked up at the sound of a muffled scream. Not a demon’s, though- that was the scream of a victim. But it was someone that was already about to die, as was obvious from the hushed whisper of someone, probably female.  _ “It’ll all be over soon.” _ Then there was the gored sound of someone being stabbed through the chest, and I just barely glanced over the edge of the building as the demon started her meal (and yes, this was definitely female). 

_ Shit. _ She saw me, and every instinct I had told me to run, but my breath smelled like whiskey and I didn’t feel like being afraid tonight. So instead I sat down on the ledge of the building and stifled a hiccup, watching the murder scene clean itself up as another body landed in another dumpster. Some fancy trident returned, a bit bloodied, to the hand of the figure below. “Hey, uh. Just lettin’ you know, there’s a shitload of regular hunters ‘round here. Not tryin’ to assume you don’t know your way around a weapon or anythin’, just--” before I could even continue my awkward ramble, I swung one of my legs out too far and almost fell off my perch on the side of the building. “...fuck.” 

“Well at least I didn’t get anyone trying to kill me, and you’re looking like you won’t be able to get any demon tonight, so I guess I’m safe.” The demon rolled her eyes and backed off into the shadows of the alleyway, glancing out to the sidewalk but not making a move for it yet. 

That actually made me laugh, for a second or so. “Yeah, probably. Just watch out for the anime shades.” The giggle shifted back into a smile, and I started to swing my legs off the ledge of the building. “Where you lookin’ to go anyway?” That was a bit of a dumb question, in all honesty, because I wasn’t sure what to do after this demon decided to leave. 

This seemed to set her on edge, which was probably a bad call. Her voice sounded like gravel. “Believe me, I’ve met him.” She folded her hands over her chest and turned her head upwards to meet my gaze. “Why the fuck do you wanna know?” 

I kicked my legs out a little bit further and sighed. “Yeah, he’s my… shit, half-brother? Step brother? Somethin’ like that. And I’m just wondering, ‘s not like I’m going anywhere any time soon.” My vision blurred for a moment, and I had to readjust my position on the ledge again. 

With that, this demon seemed to scale the building from the other side, eventually meeting me on the roof and perching like a gargoyle of some kind. Her eyes narrowed and glinted in the moonlight, and she kept her distance, but I felt like I just got a kick in the shin from the gay agenda. I smiled, though, and averted my gaze- didn’t want to start an accidental fight or staring competition, considering I’m pretty horrible at both when I’m tipsy. My voice lowered itself to a weird mutter, but it was still understandable. 

“And, yeah, I ditched him a while ago, but he’s still family, and its still sorta fucked up when I watch him pulling shit like… i dunno, killing people? Y’all are still people, I dunno if he doesn’t know that or not.” Out of the corner of my vision I could see the demon edging closer, and a pair of long braids dangled over the edge of the rooftop. Her voice was low and harsh. 

“You do realize we aren’t people, right? We are nowhere near the idea of being people.” The demon’s eyes narrowed slightly, and her trident shifted. 

“Bullshit!” I actually leaned back and cackled for a second, falling back onto my elbows and watching the stars. “We’ve got some pretty different understandings of what people are, then. You’ve got feelings, you’ve got… thoughts n’ shit. So long as you have a lil control over your thoughts and actions, you’re a person. Demons, cats, humans, whatever the fuck.” 

The demon sat down next to me properly now, legs swinging over the ledge as she cradled her head in her hands. “I cannot fucking believe I’m saying this, but I completely agree with you.” That comment only made me laugh again, but I shrugged and continued the awkward, and definitely drunken, rambling. 

“Nah, don’t worry bout it. A lot of people get sorta… taken aback, i guess? Like, nobody can put two and two together and come to the realization that I know shit. Like ‘oh no, you’re fucking wasted, what the hell do you know about morals?’ you just gotta think about people as what the are, and go from there.” I could see the demon fidget with one of her braids for a while and then lean back on her elbows, listening to every ridiculous word that flew out of my mouth. 

“That’s one a the reasons I don’t wanna kill anyone, too. People are people… Dirk is fine with it, Jake is fine with it, Jane cleans up the mess, but… I think that’s one of the reasons I ditched  _ them _ , too. They’re too calm just up and murdering people. Only reason I keep my shitty gun is to make myself look different from the civilians, but i’d be happier befriending you guys than killing you off.” 

Now it was the other girl’s turn to laugh, and she lay down completely with her braids resting on her stomach. “Still, I don’t really get why you’d wanna be friends with demons. Most of us, including me, are murderers.” 

“Yeah, well, so are all the hunters, myself included. We’re all in the same murder boat, no point in denying it.” with that, I stood up, dusted off my skirt, and immediately fell on my back, a painful ‘oof’ that could pass as a Roblox Death Noise echoing after the collision with the rooftop. “...what’s your name, anyway?” 

“You first. I’m not a big fan of trusting people right off the bat, drunk, philosophical, or otherwise.” 

“That’s fair. I’m Roxy.” I pulled a small flask out of my boot and downed the whole thing. 

“Meenah.” The girl stood up at last, dusting herself off as well, and I had to prop myself up on my elbows again. “See you around, Roxy.” 

“Yeah, uh… see ya, Meenah.” I giggled to myself at the accidental rhyme, but in all honesty, I was sad to watch her go. It was nice to have some company for once. I shut my eyes and tried to drift away in the ocean of stars, but the footsteps returned after a minute or so. 

“I’m back. Not sure why, but I feel sorta bad just ditching you on the roof like this. You got anywhere to go?” 

“Nnnnnnnnnnnope. Been running the fuck away from everyone i know for a couple weeks now.” 

“Okay, now you’re making me feel worse for contemplating just fucking killing you. Hunters aren’t supposed to be nice. Nobody’s supposed to be.” 

“I dunno why I need to remind you that I am, in all goddamn required fields, not actually a hunter. Sure, there’s a family line and some shit history textbook to work off of, but I’m not siding with ‘em.” 

“Good, cuz I’m thinking you come with me and crash at my hive for the night.” I had never been in a demon hive of any kind before, so whatever. It seemed fun at least. 

The rest of the night disappeared in a blur of vaguely off-human faces. 


	2. Who even are these douchebags?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxy wakes the hell up.

I woke up the next morning in a room I had never seen before, on a couch I didn’t remember landing on, but god damn was it the most comfortable thing I’d come in contact with in months. My head felt ready to explode. “Wh…” 

“Dude, you watched 27 Dresses four times last night. Four goddamn times.” 

“I will sneak into your shitty human hive and replace your shoelaces with cooked pasta if you insult that cinematic masterpiece again.” 

“It’s not even the right version of the movie!” 

“Strider, for lack of enough brain cells to deal with you at the moment, I’m going to reflect your disgraceful memes back at you. Harold. They’re lesbians.” 

Wait, Strider? That was Dirk’s last name, what in the god diddly fucking damn was going on here. I groaned and rolled over on the couch, my face leaving an imprint on the pillows, opening my eyes for a second and blinking in the low light. 

“Oh Jegus fucking Christ she’s awake.” The angry demon had directed his attention away from the other human in the room for a split second, a pair of deep gray eyes with red flecks meeting my bright pink ones. 

“...sup.” Wow, this was going well. 

“Sup.” The human nodded, aviator sunglasses shifting on his nose. He looked a lot like Dirk, too. “I’m Dave, Mr. Romcom over here is Karkat.” 

The demon’s back arched slightly, or at least it looked like it. Maybe he just slumped over more than usual. “Since when the fuck is my nickname  _ that _ ?” 

“Since now, that’s when the fuck. Who are you, though?” For a second, it felt like I wasn’t even in the room, but guess not. 

“Roxy. Nice to meet ya, sweet couch you got here. You guys have a decent, mainstream, gay romcom? Since when the fuck do those exist?” My voice seemed to waver despite the joke. I really wanted to watch that movie now. Huh. 

“Yeah, great. Meenah brought you here for some reason, you called me Dirk a few times and passed the fuck out. Welcome back to Demon Central Station.” Dave shrugged and glanced towards the kitchen, where a demon in a red sweater was talking to himself and scrolling through tumblr. “Kitkat, you feel like getting your weird cousin away from the apple juice?” 

“Fuck no, do that yourself.” 

“I am, under no circumstances, willing to associate with that word dump.” 

“Says you!” 

“Yes, I did just say that, congrats, I’ll get the sticker sheet.” 

A greenish demon girl, covered in tattoos and piercings, poked her head out from the room next door. “Okay, you two, take your inevitable snogging session somewhere else, she’s hungover and probably far too confused to deal with this right now. However, diss Kankri again, and I’ll take the apple juice myself.” Dave immediately put his hands up and backed away, a nervous half-smile still on his face. One does not simply threaten the apple juice in this place. 

Now was as good a time as any to start talking again. “Haha, yeah, okay, sure. Who in the hell are you all, how did I get here?” the gray troll, either Kitkat or Karkat, or something else, seemed to bristle as his hand tightened around a small sickle. His head pivoted to face me and he snarled, a long string of profanity lacing actually tangible speech. 

“Listen the fuck up. Either you didn’t hear a single fucking thing my matespirit just said, or you’re exceptionally stupid, or some gogawful combination of the two. For whatever reason, Meenah thinks you’re a redeemable former hunter, and even though I’ve been calling bullshit the entire time, nobody gives a damn. Apparently, for some fucking reason, you had way too much alcohol in your system, and you passed out on our couch. But call him Dirk one more time and I swear I’ll throw salt in your eyes.” 

I just blinked and nodded along, shifting on the couch until I was sitting upright properly. “Alrighty then, this all sounds pretty tangible so far, did anythin’ else happen or what?” 

The demon bristled, and flung his sickle to the side, instead just pacing towards me and waving his arms as he seemed to double in size. “Yes, as a matter of fucking fact! It is unspoken law that you do not say the name of Bro Pissbaby Strider in this fucking hive! And you especially do NOT say that shitstain’s name to Dave! What the fuck is wrong with you hunters?!” He dug his claws into his scalp and snarled, and Dave backed away instinctively, glancing for a moment towards a katana leaning on one of the walls. I could feel tears pricking my eyes, and I curled into a ball on the couch and hugged my knees, burying my head and trying to hide from them both.

“I didn’t know, I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t remember most of it, I’m sorry…” whatever I had done had pretty obviously upset them both, and I couldn’t even defend myself. 

“Yeah you fucking BETTER BE! You douchebags don’t have ANY fucking respect, even when you’re killing us off! So yes, please, I fucking beg you, enlighten me as to why the fuck you thought it would be a good idea to come in here, say his fucking  _ name _ , and trigger a full blown fucking panic attack?!” Dave seemed to recoil from every word, stammering out an excuse and hurtling into a bedroom fast enough that he was just a blur. I didn’t even notice I was crying until my legs had little dots of saltwater on them. 

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I fucked up real bad and I didn’t even know it, but I think we’re talkin’ about two different people, okay? I mean, like, teenage hunter dude, my weird cousin. I think I’d recognize Dave, or at least have a vague sorta memory, but we’re talking about different people and… I’m. I’m sorry.” I choked on my own words and just hid away from the angry demon, hoping for at least a calmer reaction. He seemed to shrink a little, although he still had the sort of personality that could fill a room if he wanted it to. 

“...Fine, just fucking  _ fine, _ I’ll take your word for it, but you better fucking apologize to him and set the record straight because he’s been really fucked up about it for as long as I’ve known him, and he didn’t even sleep last night. So, just… Fix this.” He waved dismissively and gestured towards the room Dave had sprinted for, walking out of the room and leaving me alone again, with a whole host of horrible thoughts. 

There was another Dirk Strider, one who had done some royally fucked up things and probably almost killed a kid. Another Dirk, who’s name alone caused panic attacks, who wasn’t allowed to be talked about. A Dirk who probably did more than kill demons, because that other Dirk ruined children. 

I had only just woken up, and even though my head still hurt, I got up off the couch and walked, very quietly, to the room Dave had hidden himself in. I fucked up so bad, I didn’t even think he would forgive me, and I wouldn’t have blamed him if he didn’t. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not sure how fast I'm gonna be publishing chapters, but that's not gonna stop me.  
> 


	3. Press F to apologize over, and over, and over again

The door creaked open slowly, and I flinched instinctively at the sudden noise in the all-too-quiet hive. The room was a bit of a disaster zone, only accentuated by the dim lighting, but an organized sort of disaster, like my old room when I still lived in an actual building. Two red beanbag chairs were tucked in a corner, near shelves full of fossils and walls covered in photographs. A lot of equipment I could only guess was for music was scattered across the floor, and… there was a faint beat coming from the beanbags, which was hard to see in the low light of the room, but I could hear someone that must be Dave shifting to look at me with a pair of bright red eyes. His shades were resting on a vinyl disc.

“...heya. Mind if I sit down?” Dave shrugged and turned over so his back was facing me, which I took as a yes and sat on the beanbag next to him, making a small ‘doof’ noise on the way down. The silence was sort of brutal after that.

“Okay, so I dunno what the fuck happened back there, but I’m really, really fucking sorry.” my voice broke at the end, but I still wasn’t sure he even heard me. “And, I don’t even know a lot of people named that, but he reminded me of you a little. Or a lot, I guess, but… I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Dave shifted on the beanbag and glanced over his shoulder, and I caught a little glimpse of red in his eyes. “You were drunk, it’s not your fault, just… whatever. And I guess I believe you, too, but its sorta creepy and there aren’t exactly a lot of… a lot of people with his name out there. But it’s okay.”

“Thanks, but then again, it probably isn’t.” I didn’t put my contact lenses in last night, so my eyes were bright pink. The only other person in the room seemed to notice, but didn’t comment on it yet. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“I’m still sorry.” This finally got a laugh out of him, and he turned around to face me properly. Now seemed like as good a time as any to mention something we shared other than hair color and relations to someone named Dirk. “But hey, at the very least, you’re not alone on the weird eye train to mutant central station.”

“Yeah, and Sollux has it even weirder, he’s got two different colors _and_ one of them’s red. But, just letting you know… just because I forgive you doesn’t mean everyone’s going to. We’re defensive as fuck for the most part.” The more he spoke, the calmer his voice seemed to get, although it still sounded raw.

“Well, fuck.” I sighed, and paused for a minute. The silence wasn’t any less awkward. “So, anyway. How’d you end up with these guys?” Humans and Demons very rarely interacted, and it was even more rare for a Human to become part of a hive.

“If you really wanna know, brace yourself. This isn’t exactly a short story, or some weird fanfiction.” I shrugged and leaned backward, but listened intently to what he had to say.

“Alright, so as fast as I can say this, my Bro was a massive douche who probably hated me, and I ran away, ended up blacking out from not eating enough and landed on the doorstep of these guys like some sort of baby outside an orphanage in your basic british flick. So now I’m here.”

“Bullshit, there’s gotta be more to it than that. You had a full on freakout sesh the moment I mentioned someone with his name, so shit clearly wasn’t normal.” My eyes narrowed a little, and it felt like i was pressuring him for more information, but I was really just… worried. There was this weird study done that people with the same name had a lot of the same characteristics, for some reason, but Dirk could never do something that bad... Hopefully.

“I… I don’t really wanna get into it, honestly.” Dave fidgeted with his hands, pulling a black ring off his right hand and staring blankly at it before he returned it to its spot on his middle finger. “Okay, that was a lie, maybe I’ll get into it a little.”

“So, my bro was always sort of… standoffish, maybe, but when he wasn’t gone he was constantly forcing me to strife with him. Full on, ‘grab your katana and get on the roof,’ adult-style strifes, and a lot of other stuff. He didn’t even let me go outside half the time, he left video cameras all over the fucking apartment, he even tried to bug my room a couple times. Meanwhile, I was making friends, and they funneled me enough money through the internet for me to buy a plane ticket the fuck out of Texas.

I left the day after my sixteenth birthday, just deadass sprinted and didn’t even look back because if I did, he would probably catch me and I would miss my one chance at getting away. Shit was fucked up, but Rose pointed me towards this hive because her girlfriend lives here, so they basically took me in. Better question is how the fuck _you_ got here, though, because there’s no way it’s just a coincidence you know his name.”

“Well shit, I’ve got nothing compared to that story, but--” Before I could continue, two girls entered the room without knocking. A human and a demon, purple and green respectively, holding hands. The human girl looked… a lot like me, actually.

Her voice sounded like my mother’s. “I heard we were talking about tragic backstories, Dave, and… new person. Hello.” She reluctantly let go of the demon’s hand and extended it forward, which I took and shook a couple times. “My name is Rose Lalonde, and I would say it’s nice to meet you, but you did give my half-brother a panic attack, so that would be a pretty quick judgement on my part.”

I could feel my smudged lipstick stretch into a confused grin. “Roxy Lalonde, are we related or some shit?”

The green girl piped up at last. “Probably. That is how human names work, right?”

“Yes, Kanaya, although some names are more common than others. It’s confusing.”

My smile widened at the sheer cuteness of these two girls and how obviously in love they were. Like with the angry demon and Dave, but more… sophisticated, maybe. “One, you two are fuckin’ adorable, and two, I wouldn’t be surprised. We look pretty similar.”

“My thoughts exactly. Both of those thoughts.” the demon girl, Kanaya, smiled as well, flashing a pair of pointed fangs.

“Tbh, you two are relationship goals.”

Dave was very clearly judging my life choices. “Did… did you just say ‘tbh’ out loud? In a verbal goddamn conversation?”

“...Yes?”

“Well, regardless of any woefully foreshortened phrases, I’m sure it’s just another coincidence, not unlike two vastly different people with an unfortunately identical name.” Rose seemed to bristle at that last part of her sentence, but was immediately calmed down when Kanaya patted her shoulder a couple times. “...thank you, dear.” 

My mind wandered back to Karkat, his short but angry rant actually leaving some emotional damage, but he told me to fix things and fix them I fucking  _ did _ . “Davey, I gotta go apologize to your boyfriend, one sec.” Dave just nodded and offered a thumbs up, and the door creaked as I opened it and stepped outside. The OTP, also known as Rose and Kanaya, followed after me, and returned to their room at the end of the hall for… reasons. 

Wink Wonk to that.


	4. three nerds in a room bitching

“You better be leaving to talk to me, and not because he sent you the fuck out here.” Karkat’s voice was sudden, and loud, and angry, and all over the place at once. I flinched away and pivoted around to face him quicker than I should have been able to move. He blinked in confusion, putting his hands out in front of him and backing off as well. “Shit, sorry, I should’ve figured you were also reactive to that.” 

“Reactive to… what?” I dropped out of a fighting stance I wasn’t even aware I had raised, and tried to relax a bit despite my heart slamming against my ribcage. 

“You’re a fucking  _ hunter _ , of course you’re afraid of demon voices, and of fucking  _ course _ you’re not even aware you could have just pummeled me into a wall if I didn’t just back off and apologize, because that’s literally all you fuckers are! Dave is the same fucking way, though, and he’s not a hunter, or at least I fucking hope not because he told me he didn’t want to kill anything or fight anyone and that would be ridiculous. So of course I jumped to the original assumption that all humans were like that, but then Rose showed up and doesn’t mind at all, so maybe you dense fucks are actually two subspecies of stupid, and one of them just has better survival instincts?” It was sort of hard to keep up with all the words flying out of his mouth at once, but he took an absurdly deep breath and continued to ramble before I could even get a word in edgewise. 

“And worst of all, you don’t even care, do you? You probably only went in there because of my shitfit, and thanks but no thanks, my moirail is still alive somehow so I think I’ll pass on your  _ pity. _ ” He spat out the last word and snarled, but I could only feel my eyebrows crease.

“Okay, first of all, no. I don’t know what I did wrong, but if it fucks something up I’m gonna apologize for it! I’m not that stupid, even when I’m wasted, and especially now that I know what I did and what happened between him and his version of Di-Stri. And since when the fresh hell do histories define anyone, huh? Maybe I’m touch averse, maybe you sounded like my mom when she was still around, maybe it’s some weird combination of you being horrifying and a whole load of things I don’t wanna talk about to anyone.” I pulled my sleeves down over my arms, glancing at the familiar cat motifs. Faded, but comfy as fuck, and one of the few things I took with me when I left the other hunters. I had to burn everything else. Regardless, I could feel my face flush a bit, with some rage but not enough to rival the demon’s. “And most of all, mister scream-until-my-throat-dies and then scream some more, I apologized! A lot! And he said he forgives me, and I get that y’all are really territorial, but sweet mother of fuck do you need to lighten up a little.” I had to take a second to catch my breath after that entire rant, and maybe it could have rivaled the shouting demon’s, but not by much. 

Karkat just blinked, glancing towards the door before stepping towards it in uncomfortable silence. “Suffice it to say I don’t fucking believe you.” The door opened again, still a little squeaky on its hinges, but Karkat entered the room and did a visible double take. I glanced over his shoulder to see the current state of the room, which was exactly how I left it- dim lights, Dave in a beanbag chair listening to music on his phone and smiling a little. Well, the smile was new, but for the most part it was all the same, and… calmer. Until Karkat opened his mouth, sitting down on the bag next to Dave as I shuffled to a corner and listened. 

“Alright so the currently not-drunk human said that she apologized but--” 

Dave interrupted what could have effortlessly been another long rant with a soft  _ pap _ on the demon’s face. “Chill. It’s fine. We talked everything out, it’s all good, she apologized a few times, and her name-copy of my Bro ain’t shit.”

“Cut the crap, Strider, you had a full on freak-out session, that’s not normal and I want to know if you’re really okay with her being around after that.” I went gladly unnoticed, like I could just turn into shadows and nobody would notice. The demon’s eyebrows furrowed, and it wasn’t hard to tell that these two really cared about each other. 

“Yeah, I know, but just… it’s fine, she’s forgiven, her knowing a name double of  _ him _ isn’t gonna fuck up my brain anymore. But why do you even put up with this?” Dave’s eyes widened under his shades the moment the question left his mouth, because he immediately regretted it, but the air of worry didn’t lighten up in the slightest. 

“Dave, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“You and I are mate sprites or whatever the demon term is, but, I dunno, I wanted to know why you always seem like you’re looking out for me.”

“Because, in a shocking fucking turn of events, I love you, and I look out for people by default because I’m shit at doing everything else. And now that I think about it, I’m probably also shit at looking out for people. One day I’ll turn my back and three of us will have gone nuts, Kanaya will have a hole in her stomach, four more people are dead, and I’ll be left to clean up the damage or something ridiculous and impossible like that, but fuck if I wouldn’t rather you be here throughout all that hypothetical bullshit.” 

“Aw, thanks KitKat.” Dave wasn’t crying, but his voice did warble a little. Chances are, he had the idea of ‘real men don’t cry’ pummeled into his skull since as soon as he could pick up a katana. He cleared his throat and continued. “But really, thanks, because that means a lot even on a hypothetical scale. And, back to the original topic, I’m really fine. It was a minor thing, she apologized, and I’m pretty sure she’s in the room anyway.” Oops.

I coughed once and blinked as Dave jolted backwards on the beanbag. “Shit, sorry, I’m just a good eavesdropper I guess.” 

“Yeah, no shit Human Sherlock!” 

“Dude, shoosh. I did the same fucking thing for weeks, it’s a human thing, like the Sherlock series. We can discuss John and Sherl’s relationship later.”

“Okay, fine, but,” Karkat snarled, and pointed a jagged fingertip in my general direction. “If she gives you shit again, I will personally tear her limb from limb and let Kanaya feast on the remains.” I blinked, struck with the realization that demons were, y’know, demonic. Scary. Inhuman… not that it mattered. 

Despite the obvious discomfort, my voice rose an octave to lighten the mood. “I won’t hesitate, bitch!” The other human in the room grinned and made a toy gun noise, and the angriest person I’ve ever met actually cracked a smile. Dave gasped in response. 

“Rox, holy shit, he’s smiling. He never does that around other people, you got him to smile through the cooperative power of memes. We’re friends now, I don’t make the rules.” I snorted in response, and shrugged. The demon’s face had returned to its usual state of anger.

“Well, neither the fuck do I, but i’m not complaining either because you’re, like, the ultimate cool dude. Friendship material like that isn’t exactly easy to come by.” Dave and I nodded in unison, like I had just spoken the wisest words humanity had to offer. 

Karkat pressed a hand to his face and sighed, exasperated beyond belief. “I swear, the two of you could damn well be related.” 


	5. Pink Cat and Purple Squid

I excused myself from the room and left those two to their… business once again. The room itself was left relatively untouched by my hands, but an audible “wink wonk” hung in the air. But my head still swarmed with questions, and the room at the end of these long, almost shifting hallways was the only place in which I could get answers.

“Did You Seriously, _Seriously_ Send Dave An Entire Poem About… This?”

“Yes, Kanaya, but I was young and shakespearean in my youth. Certain traits have remained between he and I, but for the most part it was an opportunity I had to take. Phallic puppetry aside, Roxy is here.”

I could feel the blood drain from my face- how the fuck did she know that? It was like she could see the future or some shit.

“Well, I’ll Let Her In Then.” I heard some shuffling, a bit of disgruntled complaining on Rose’s part, and then the door creaked open to a confused but happy Kanaya. Her hair was a mess, and her shirt seemed a bit wrinkled, but otherwise she seemed like her usual self. Not that i could really distinguish that, because I had only ever met her before once.

I paused for a full three seconds before offering a small smile. “Uh, heya. You already know who I am, but, am I interrupting something?” Kanaya just shook her head and waved me inside, and gasped at the sheer amount of stuff on the floor. The bed was completely bare, and most of the floorspace had been replaced by the most majestic pillow fort I’ve ever seen. Rose was sitting inside, leaning on a small heap of stuffed toys, drinking tea and reading a massive book. Her lipstick was smudged, but she didn’t seem to mind, and I entered the fort with my eyes ready to bulge out of my skull. “How long did it take you to make this? It’s fuckin’ awesome.”

“A Few Hours, Give Or Take. Worth It, Though.” I agreed silently and sat down next to Rose, still amazed just by the sight of this thing. Massive drapes of blankets hung suspended from the ceiling, and there were enough pillows to drown in. Kanaya plopped herself down on the other side of Rose, making pretty good example of how much taller demons were than anyone would assume out of context. Karkat had to be at least 6’5. Rose was completely dwarfed, and honestly, so was I. It was like being a little kid looking up at an adult all over again. Except Kanaya was hot, and the two of them were a cute couple.

No wonder this place had such high ceilings.

Rose took a sip of her tea and kissed Kanaya on the cheek, needing to stretch up a little to do so, before turning to me. “You have questions. Talk.” Her purple eyes seemed to be calculating my entire existence, weighing each of my words. She still sounded a lot like my mom. I sighed, and did what she told.

“Arite, so first of all, Dave and Karkat are doing their thing, it’s all good, I apologized a fuckton and that’s all done and over with. Not gonna bring up Di-Stri again, end of story. Only thing I need an answer to now is how we look borderline identical, have the same last name, and know different but also almost identical people with the same last names. So maybe answer that? Also, your lipstick is really pretty, can I borrow it some time?”

“I suppose I’ll answer your questions consecutively.” Rose frowned into her mug. “First, that’s good. Dave can be self-destructive often, and Karkat balances him out so long as reality is set in equilibrium again. Di-Stri, as you call him, is obviously different from his brother, but it would be good if neither of them were discussed. Second, I assume I remind you of your mother, because you are jarringly similar to mine, even down to the name and the alcoholic tendencies.” Okay, that was a bit of a low blow. I winced visibly, and she rushed to apologize before continuing.

“I did some research, and dug through some old memories in a journal of mine. My mother, in her nonsensical ramblings, mentioned having a sister named Rosaline, for whom I am the namesake. My mother’s name is Roxanne, so the safe assumption here is that our mothers named their daughters after each other.”

“So, we’re... cousins?” I didn’t know how to correctly process this information, but it did make sense at least.

“Yes, Roxy, we’re cousins. I have yet, however, figured out how there are two variants of one Di-Stri. That’s a clever nickname, by the way. Do you have one as well?”

“Yeah, I’m Ro-Lal. And I think… i think I can fill you in on what you missed, name copy-wise.” I paused and recounted what Dirk had told me a long as fuck time ago.

“Di-Stri, my version of him, had an older brother named David. He died hella young and left my Di-Stri to his own devices with nothing more than basic speech, some puppets, and Dante’s Inferno or some shit like that. My-Stri decided to become a hunter and got my gang together via pesterchum, and a whole load of other shit went down after that, and that is to be revealed in the next episode of… whatever the fuck. But this fucker David had a twin brother, with the same name as Dave’s resident shithead. So it’s probs the same thing that went down between our moms? I dunno.” Rose only offered a polite nod and narrowed her eyes.

“So we are all related, to a degree.”

if I had a cup of tea I would have spit it out onto the cushioned floor of the pillow fort by now. Even Kanaya looked confused, as much as she tried to keep her composure.

Before I could say anything, or even ask her to elaborate, a small streak of neon blue and olive green broke through a mass of blankets and started screaming. In third person.

“AC has returned from her purrtrols and needs to tell mew all that there are hunters coming our way!” Rose grimaced, setting down her teacup and leaving the fort, gripping the jade demon’s hand in her own. I stood up and followed them, the smaller green girl trailing behind me.

Karkat, Dave, Meenah, and some other vaguely familiar trolls are already squeezing themselves onto the couch when we arrived. A lanky purple teenage-looking demon was sharing a wheelchair with an orange kid, too. Apparently news travels fast. The demon in the red sweater spoke up first, with an air of what could only be described as tumblrish.

“Well, I’m sure you have all been made aware of the threat poised against us, so perhaps our first order of business would be to organize a group to intercept them? I don’t mean to offend, but these hunters are certainly of the stronger variety and may pose a significant threat.” How he got all of that out in one breath, I had no idea. Karkat groaned and edged his way out of the couch cushions, translating for red-sweater.

“Listen the fuck up. These are the hunters we all know and loathe times a fucking million. Meenah already had a run-in with them and barely got out with her braids intact. We’re talking ANIME SHADES, PEOPLE!” His voice rose to a screech for a brief moment. “Best fighters, fastest and stealthiest. They know how to hide but not how to track like we do. So Meenah, Kanaya, Rose. Me, Dave, Nepeta. Everyone else, stay back and keep the hive secure. Sollux, keep the communications open in case something goes wrong on either end.”

A yellowish demon wearing 3D glasses raised his hand and frowned, two pairs of jagged fangs sticking out of his mouth. “What do you mean, iif 2omethiing goe2 wrong?” It was pretty hard to understand him at first, but the message was received.

“I mean if one of us fucking DIES.” Karkat snarled and looked away, digging a blunt claw into his arm. “Roxy can help you out with that, but she’s staying here.”

As much as I desperately wanted to stay back, this was Di-Stri, and Jake, and… and Jane. I knew them. And these people were going to kill them without hesitation. I straightened my posture and almost hissed in response to his command. “Fuck no. I was a hunter, I motherfucking _know_ them. For starters, I still know how to use a rifle. I’ve done nothing but make things uncomfortable but you’ve taken me in anyway. Rosey and I are related, too, so the least you can do is let me go with you.”

Dave’s eyes widened under his shades, but he waved it aside for the moment. There would be more time to discuss family relations later.

Karkat’s response, however, was much more verbal.

“Fine.”


	6. Into the woods we go, I guess

“Shut the hell up, space is awesome. There’s a giant floating cloud of alcohol, and from what we can tell so far it tastes like raspberries, how do you not think that’s the tightest shit ever?” 

As we trekked through the forest, Dave’s rambling was a good distraction from my own brain doing what it does best. Who are the people we’re going to fight? What if I know them? Maybe this is a trap. Maybe it’s… maybe it’s Di-Stri and Jake. Oh god. 

Meenah hummed a little tune to herself, something I vaguely remembered about princes and ships and unrequited love. It was quickly covered up by everyone else talking, but in between conversation points, I could’ve tried to sing along. 

Karkat groaned. “I genuinely could not give less of a shit if I tried, Dave. Honestly, my cranium a little busy trying to wrap itself around yet another dumb as fuck idea. And before you ask which one, I mean the one where we  _ literally just shrugged and let a hunter come with us to fight other hunters. _ ” 

I tugged at the sleeves of my sweater again, already feeling the change in atmosphere. A nervous laugh only barely filled the sudden silence, when the humming stopped. “Uh, yeah… this is my 1-month anniversary of quitting that. Abandoned my friends, my life work, everyone I ever knew! Started drinking again, too, but that’s a different issue. At least you guys are pretty chill.” 

“AC thinks the new human needs a hug.” She looked ready to sit my sorry ass down for a feelings jam, right in the middle of the woods. 

“Nepeta, I swear to fuck, we have hunters to fight, not feelings to throw up into the air right now. You two can hug it out later.” Karkat’s voice was the last thing that registered before someone’s foot collided with the side of my head, and the world went reeling. 

My eyes opened what felt like years later, but the fighting had just started. Nepeta had scrambled up a tree and dragged down by a boy with rectangle glasses that almost looked like Jake. Kanaya was crumpled on the ground, her arm twisted in a way that arms were definitely not supposed to twist. Karkat was screaming at the top of his lungs, and a girl with circular glasses was in a fistfight with Meenah. I turned around and saw Dave, backed up against another tree, shades knocked to the ground. A hauntingly familiar figure towered over him. 

I could feel my blood boiling, and my hands curled into fists as I approached someone I used to call my family. 

“DI-STRI YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING DICK!” 

A pair of anime shades glinted as he turned to face me, already trying to form an apology, but my fist connected with his ribs before he could speak. He crumpled to the ground, glaring up at me. I didn’t like the look on his face. Like he was going to cry. To continue with the background noise, the rectangle glasses guy just got clocked in the face, but that doesn’t matter. 

I shouldn’t be crying. “These… these people. The people you decided to up and fucking attack? They  _ saved _ me. They saved my fucking life. They took me in, they did everything you never could because boo- _ fucking- _ hoo, you’re too busy MURDERING THEM ALL! Because that’s what you do best, Di-Stri, you fucking hurt people, you kill because your shitty excuse of a life never gave you any other--” My voice cracked, and I just started screaming again. “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED ME TO DO? TO FUCKING KILL PEOPLE BY YOUR SIDE?! BECAUSE YOU SURE AS FUCK NEVER TAUGHT ME ANYTHING ELSE!” 

Dirk staggered to his feet again, and Dave hurtled away  the moment he was out of sight. “There’s no ‘people,’ Rox. There’s you, and me, and the  _ Demons, _ ” he spat out the word like an insult. “And the humans who put up with them. Come on, Rox, we’re supposed to be a team. You’re supposed to listen to me.” The blood curdled in my veins, but my voice came out loud and clear. 

“I’m… I’m fucking done with you. With this. I should’ve been done a long time ago.

“But you know who I am,  _ Di-Stri. _

“I am Roxy. Motherfucking. Lalonde.

“And if you even try and  _ speak _ to me again, I’ll fucking slaughter you.”

I shoved him back to the ground, swung at his head, and slammed my foot against his chest. It was hard not to wince at the sound of cracking bone. The two humans who came with him ran into the woods, blood leaving a trail only barely faint enough to follow. Not that anyone wanted to track them. Dirk coughed up blood and crawled away from me. His shades were smashed against the ground. 

Out of the corner of my eye, Rose’s skin was turning a deep gray, and her eyes glowed white. Her girlfriend tried to calm her down from where she lay under a tree, and Karkat was doing the same to Dave. Other than that, all I could be certain was happening was that my fingernails were digging into the palms of my hands.

It took too long for him to stand up and start running. 

Meenah stepped up behind me, just loud enough to make me know that she was there. My screaming had left the clearing almost dead quiet, save for Dave talking at a million miles per hour. There was always either silence or noise with these people, and even in the world.

Her trident was dented, her hands smeared in blood, and one of her fins was dripping a sickening shade of pink. The voice that came from her mouth didn’t sound completely like her own. “Did… did you mean whatcha said to him? Cuz that was one hell of a thing to say to Anime Shades. especially after you warned me about him in the first fuckin’ place.” 

For the first time since I came to, I took a quick look around. Kanaya had a broken arm, Rose was a mere moment from screaming at the top of her lungs. Nepeta was covered in enough bright red and olive green to pass as a christmas tree. Karkat walked with a limp. Dave seemed to be the only one completely unscathed, but it was obviously far worse than it looked. And for the first time in nearly a month, I felt certain about something. 

“Every word, Meenah. I meant every fuckin’ word.” 

___________________________

 

The walk back to the Hive was dead silent, except for the occasional complaint of injury. I sacrificed my sweater so Kanaya could have a temporary sling- it needed a wash now, and she needed something to help unfuck her arm. The crunch of leaves was less satisfying and more ominous, now. About halfway through the walk, Nepeta jumped, winced, and gave me the hug she promised before everything went to shit. 

Sollux was the first to greet us, basically flinging his arms around the mlm power couple/the only two guys here. Once the initial shock had faded, everyone piled onto either the couch or a miniature mountain of blankets that seems to have been made while we were gone. I sat in the center of it all, looking into a mug of hot cocoa, telling everything I could remember about Dirk, about our past, about the handful of friends I left behind. 

“...you don’t know all that much about me. I was a hunter for a long time, long as I can remember, going around with Di-Stri as soon as I knew how to pick up a gun and shoot. And I tried let you get away, when he wasn’t looking, because you looked to human to really be that monstrous, yknow?

“He introduced me to his boyfriend, Jake, who was basically just a sharpshooter in booty shorts, and we worked together.

“I started to pick up little tips and tricks, like the eyes colored all the way through, and how to spot glamours for hiding horns. A few humans even think I’m a demon, too, but that’s for religious purposes I think. Shit’s weird.

“Between jobs I started going to bars. ‘Nuff said. Not going into that part. But I met a half-demon at one of these places, her name was Calliope, and even though we only talked for a couple minutes, my head started putting two and two together. Two plus two is four, minus one that’s three quick maths. She literally proved that demons are still people, just by existing. Di-Stri used to tell me that you couldn’t feel like we felt, like all you understood was violence and bloodlust and hate. But even when I knew that was bullshit, I had to accept it, because if I didn’t I’d just be committing manslaughter instead of  _ Hunting _ . 

“Thing is, at this point I’ve been a hunter my whole ass life. I don’t know how to write essays but I can treat bullet wounds with my eyes shut. Aiming a gun is as easy as breathing. I can hack into anything, trace anyone, and my computer has its own AI. Di-Stri designed it as a 13 year old version of himself, so it’s like I’ll never really get rid of him, but Hal’s cool.  

“Jane and I, and yeah, I mean Janey BAMF Crocker the detective, we were dating for a solid eight months now. She knew what I was doing was wrong, but she didn’t call me out on it because my… murders... meant she had job opportunities. Jake was her second cousin, so she ended up tangled in the freakshow friend web, but I think she knew when my brain started going south.  

“I needed a way out of my life, in any fucking case. So I broke up with Janey, knocked Jake out cold when he wasn’t paying attention, and drugged Di-Stri to hell and back. Grabbed a couple flasks, my gun, a spare change of clothes, my computer, and made a run for it. Spent a few nights on the streets, started taking to the rooftops. Met Meenah. Now I’m here.” 

A girl with fluffy hair and ram horns crawled out from under several pillows and smiled. Her face was hauntingly familiar. “Oh, I remember you! You let me run when the anime shades guy was trying to stab me. Sorry for not thanking you earlier. I’m Aradia.” At the same time, Karkat muttered something about me needing a mwah-rail. 

Dave turned his head towards me, but his statement was directed at everyone else in the room. “Yeah, we’re keeping this one. I don’t make the fucking rules.” 

The entire living room erupted in cheers of agreement. 

Guess I’ll be staying here a while. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for all the help, Olivia.


End file.
